How to Navigate Two Different Parenting Styles

Know You Are Not Alone

Parenting is difficult on its own, but when you and your partner, or co-parent, have different approaches to such an all-consuming role, frustration is likely to flair, impacting not only your relationship with each other but also your children.

But while our knee-jerk parenting reactions may vary, with the right communication and effort, it’s possible to incorporate more blended, consistent styles, all while maintaining one’s unique parenting strengths and personality.

Why People Parent Differently

Because each partner was raised in a different household and holds different personalities, it should almost be expected that each parent will have, at times, competing notions about the best approach to, say, disciplining their child.

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It’s also important to keep in mind that there also tend to be differences in parenting approaches based on cultural background and even gender. In the same parenting survey, about half of mothers say they take on a more overprotective role, compared with 38% of fathers. The latter is also more likely to state they offer their kids too much freedom, and that when it comes to disciplining, they are less likely to waiver than moms.

Parenting styles differ based on cultural backgrounds as well. Research shows that some countries rely more heavily than others on sibling parenting, whereby older children take on central caregiving roles. Physical affection, not just from parents, but by other family members and friends, also varies significantly across countries and backgrounds. It’s important to take all of this into account when working with your partner, or co-parent.

Understanding the Most Well-Established Parenting Styles

Authoritarian

Such an approach relies solely on parents as the decision-makers and leaves little room for kids’ autonomy. Obedience is at the center of authoritarian parenting, and the idiom that kids should be “seen and not heard” encapsulates the dynamic.

Permissive

Scant enforcement of rules and disciplines characterizes this type of parenting. Those who grew up with a permissive parent typically experience a childhood where consequences were verbally communicated but were not always followed through on. Accountability for bad behavior could easily be skirted with enough complaining or frustration directed at the parent.

Neglectful

There are some similarities with permissive parenting in that discipline is often lacking, but neglectful parents may not even bother to establish clear boundaries or rules, leaving their children feeling lost and without guidance.

Authoritative

Typically considered the gold standard, an authoritative parent typically employs a carrot-and-stick approach to parenting. Rules and expectations are clearly communicated, as are disciplinary measures, which are followed through on. However, unlike authoritarians, authoritative parents take in children’s perspectives and emotions when making decisions.

Find Something That Works for Everyone

Finding Common Ground

Finding common ground in your parenting styles will be your secret weapon. Figure out what are some of the baseline rules and consequences that will be enforced the same way among both parents.

Not allowing kids to “divide and conquer” will not only signal you and your partner are on the same team, but in the long run, it also provides a sense of security for children.

Disagree Behind Closed Doors

We can’t always time when conflicts will arise. But to the extent possible, it’s important to save disagreements — especially when it pertains to parenting styles — between the two of you.

In the words of psychiatrist Dr. Alan Ravitz:

In my own family, I know there were times when I thought my wife was too harsh and there were times when she thought I was too easy. The important thing is to present a united front.

Even if you disagree with a particular reaction from your partner — barring extreme circumstances — try not to vocalize your disapproval in the midst of their interaction with your child, as this can undermine their authority, and subsequently, yours as well.

Constantly Communicate

Regular communication is paramount for the success of any relationship, but when you add raising kids in the mix, it becomes that much more important. With working parents and busy school schedules, set aside time with your partner for parenting “check-ins”. During these agreed-upon times, you can talk about discipline approaches, behavior trends you’re noticing that may be cause for concern, or conversely, optimism. By structuring such discussions, both parents can become a more united front and well-prepared on how to approach worrisome incidents as they inevitably arise.

Seek Counseling

Sometimes, an objective, third-party professional can help families navigate the messy ins and outs of not just parenting, but marriage as well. Couples counseling can help you and your partner understand each other’s thought processes and emotional patterns when it comes to parenting. And during family therapy, you can also dig deeper into your child’s behavior and subsequent reactions.

Online directories like GoodTherapy can help you find the therapist that works best for your family’s challenges, needs, and background.

Conclusion

Navigating two different parenting styles can be challenging, but with open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to compromise, you and your partner can find a parenting approach that works for everyone.

FAQs

Q: What if my partner and I have vastly different parenting styles?

A: While it’s natural to have some differences, it’s essential to find common ground and communicate openly about your approaches to parenting.

Q: How can I ensure my child doesn’t get confused by our differing parenting styles?

A: Consistency is key. Establish clear rules and consequences, and make sure both parents are on the same page.

Q: Can I change my parenting style if I realize it’s not working for my child?

A: Absolutely! Parenting is a journey, and it’s okay to adapt and adjust your approach as your child grows and develops.

Q: What if my partner and I disagree on how to discipline our child?

A: Save disagreements for private discussions, and focus on presenting a united front to your child.

Q: How can I get my partner to see things from my perspective when it comes to parenting?

A: Practice active listening, and try to understand your partner’s perspective as well. This can help you find common ground and build a stronger, more united parenting approach.