How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating with your Partner

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How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating with Your Partner

"Stop fighting with each other and start fighting for one another"– Staci Lee Schnell

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In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to forget that fighting with our partners is a zero-sum game. There’s a winner and a loser, and most of us want to emerge victorious. But is winning really what we want? Wouldn’t it be better if our marriages were the ultimate winners?

When we stop fighting and start communicating with respect, we both win, and more importantly, our marriages win. Clear and effective communication is the key to a healthier and happier relationship.

Disagreements are Normal, But They Don’t Have to be Fights

It’s perfectly okay to have different opinions and points of view with our partners. In fact, it’s essential to recognize that we’re human and will naturally have differing thoughts and ideas. The challenge is to transform these differences into opportunities for good conversations, rather than explosive fights.

The Power of Validation

Validation is the glue that holds relationships together. When we validate our partners, we’re communicating that their opinions, feelings, and perspectives matter. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with them, but rather that we’re making an effort to understand where they’re coming from.

Active Listening: The Key to Validation

Active listening is the foundation of effective communication and validation. It involves giving your undivided attention to your partner, focusing on what they’re saying, and trying to understand their perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but rather that you’re making an effort to hear them out.

A Communication Tool to Try Out

Try this communication tool to promote active listening and validation:

Step 1: One person speaks, while the other listens without interruption.

Step 2: The listener summarizes what they heard the speaker say, and asks if they got it right.

Step 3: The listener validates the speaker’s emotions and perspective, even if they don’t agree with the issue or topic at hand.

Step 4: Switch roles and repeat the process.

Step 5: Come up with a plan of action and make a decision.

The Benefits of Effective Communication

When we use active listening and validation, we can alleviate feelings of anger, resentment, and frustration. We can promote a deeper understanding of each other and foster a sense of teamwork and cooperation. Most importantly, we can create a healthier and happier marriage.

When to Use This Communication Tool

Timing is everything when it comes to using this communication tool. If you’re feeling heated or flooded, take some time to calm down. Reflect on your emotions, ask yourself some questions, and focus on how you can express yourself clearly.

FAQs

Q: What if I’m not sure how to validate my partner’s feelings?
A: Start by acknowledging their emotions and showing empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand where they’re coming from.

Q: What if my partner doesn’t want to talk about the issue?
A: Encourage them to share their perspective, and listen without judgment. Validation is about making an effort to understand, not about forcing agreement.

Q: How can I ensure that I’m using this communication tool effectively?
A: Practice active listening, paraphrase and summarize what you heard, and make an effort to validate your partner’s emotions and perspective.

Q: What if I feel like my partner is not validating my feelings?
A: Communicate your needs and feelings to your partner. Let them know that you need validation and understanding. Work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

Q: Can this communication tool help my relationship?
A: Yes! Effective communication and validation can help promote a deeper understanding of each other, reduce conflict, and create a healthier and happier relationship.