Boundaries: the Cure for Burnout?

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Boundaries: the Cure for Burnout?

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this uncomfortable. I had an empty afternoon last week and saw Speak No Evil, a horror/suspense film about a family who goes to visit another couple they met on vacation. And, shockingly, things don’t go as expected.

If you saw the “Dinner Party” episode of The Office, where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house for the most uncomfortable house party ever, and thought to yourself… “What if this was a 2-hour horror movie instead?” That’s essentially the plot of Speak No Evil.

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This movie is based on a 2022 European film of the same name, so naturally I had to watch that too. And boy, that version was even bleaker and more shocking.

This movie has some really cutting commentary on relationships, masculinity, and even parenting…

But here’s why Speak No Evil made me so uncomfortable:

This movie asks, “How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt somebody’s feelings?” I always joke about how much of a conflict-avoidant people-pleaser I am, which means this movie shook me to my core:

This is a topic I’ve written about at length, and it’s something I’ve learned the hard way. People-pleasing can be a trap, and it can lead to burnout and exhaustion. But what if I told you that the solution to burnout isn’t a yoga retreat or a digital detox?…

The Solution to Burnout isn’t a Yoga Retreat

When we feel burned out, too busy, and overwhelmed, we think the solution resides in a very specific form of self-care:

Escape: We just need a massage or a “digital detox” or retreat.
Achievement: We just need to work harder in the gym!
Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!

The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptom, not the root cause.

As pointed out in Anne-Helen Peterson’s Can’t Even:

You don’t fix burnout by going on vacation. You don’t fix it through “life hacks,” like inbox zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or doing Sunday meal prep for the entire family, or starting a bullet journal. You don’t fix it by reading a book on how to “unfu*k yourself.”

You don’t fix it with vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro Technique, or overnight f***ing oats.

As I share in my essay on the problems with Self-Care, the solution isn’t found in a Yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor is it found in a journal or meditation app.

The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.

Boundaries Protect Against Burnout

Us people pleasers spend most of our time keeping the peace and catering to everybody else’s needs, very rarely considering our own.

This is usually how we find ourselves overcommitted, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and potentially feeling resentful of our generosity being taken for granted.

The problem?

It’s not somebody else’s responsibility to establish our boundaries.

It’s on us to establish them, explain them, and protect them.

Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to actually consider our own needs too. Something I never considered for a long time. I bet there are a lot of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who also haven’t considered their own needs in a long time.

This doesn’t mean we need to suddenly become “I AM THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS,” but rather, it means we need to address the fact that our feelings and needs are valid, and we need to take care of ourselves if we’re also going to take care of others.

As Dr. Lakshmin points out in Real Self-Care:

To practice real self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable – whether that means having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making the clear and deliberate choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over another.

A Challenge for You

Say NO to one thing you are currently saying YES to out of obligation or guilt.

Establish this boundary for your own wellbeing and mental health.

Yep, this will require you to rely on those around you, and maybe even *GASP* potentially disappoint somebody!

I promise you, their reaction isn’t your responsibility to manage.

One final reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.

We can’t time-travel, which means the only solution to burnout is to put fewer things on our plate.

This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves…from ourselves.

Conclusion

I hope you gained something from this newsletter, and I wish you all the best in setting those much-needed boundaries for yourself.